Doctors Scums Big Log

Sanity can be regained by climbing the grindsbrook.

2007-08-29T09:15:00.000-07:00

Me looking good at the top of the grindsbrook. Havoing just yomped up it with the horse on may 18th this year. It was windy and the rain was horizontal from the south west.

Heres the horse and the pig

We look good on the top of Kinder Scout I think. It feels like hom. At the end of the day we were running low on sunlight so we cut straight across the top fgrom the seal stones. Mr OOfy chased a hair down but he don't know how to kill stuff so he just cornered it and put the willies up it. Never seen a dog move so fast! Magnificent.

Here is Mr Oofy looking a tad cold.

you may wonder why i am putting these lovely pictures up? Whats the angle? Why is scum being nice? Well, i am afraid that i am building up to a photo sequence concerning my irritable bowels. I have to live with th indignity of it so i don't see why anyone else shouldn't hasve to suffer a modicum of discomfort.

2007-08-29T09:07:00.000-07:00

heres that picture of kilroy with all shit all over him. Very funny indeed. It seems quite difficult to find these days. I hope nothing of the sort ever happens to him again

Does anyone know anything about work law?

2007-05-22T02:26:00.000-07:00

I am a post doctoral research fellow at a university. All the work is short term contracts. In recent years the law changed so that if you had four years continual service then the uni had to give you a permanent contract. This entitled you to things like redundancy pay. I have been at the uni for ten years. However, I have been given a months break between my last two contracts which were both two years long. Thus, I have only ever been on temporary contracts and the uni is not obliged to pay redundany.

My two breaks were in 2002 and again in 2004. However, on both occasions I was expected to work and did so. In effect i worked for free for two months. On the first occasion in 2002, I had told my boss i was going to take two weeks off (as i had had no holiday in two years) and i think he held the contract back until I was back because he didn't want to pay me for no work.

Do I have a case to taKE TO TRIBUNAL? i KNOW OF THREE OTHER LONG STANDING RESEARCH FELLOWS WHO HAVE NOT HAD these breaks inserted. One is about to get twenty odd grand as he is made redundant.

I don't seem to be able to upload pictures anymore?????

2007-05-21T10:17:00.000-07:00

This is most upsetting as i want to put a picture of kilroy all covered in shit on the blog. And i want to put more pictures of kinderscout on. And my mate the horse. anyone having similar problems?

My Irritable Bowels

2007-05-16T05:07:00.000-07:00

Fucking martyr to my arsehole i am. shitting water for breakfast. Took three weeks to get an appointment at the quacks. Then I had blood tests which came bak a month later as fine. I also was supposed to get a colonoscopy within 4 weeks. It actually took noine weeks to happen. The result was shredded nerves. Full on PTSD which I had a 2 year bout of ten years ago. Horrible. No sleep. Eventually went into counselling. I am lucky cos i have one available at work. Then I got the camera up the arse action. That was horrible. If it happens to you take the sedative cos it is mighty hurty up in your gibleyts. Everything looked normal. Sitll waiting on biopsy results. Fingers crossed.

I told my boss what was happening and he reacted by coming to see me at 12-30 and 4 0clock everyday to demand what work had been done. Then, at easter, when I took a day off, he phoined me at home to call me a selfish bastard.

Grade A cunt behaviour. Anyone who has been in PTS will be able to imagine by boiling rage that came so close to exploding.

IT has been a hard year. I really hope i haven't got cancer. That would be bad. If i have, then it probably hasn't spread yet which is a bonus.

Friday is a good day for walking Kinder Scout.

war story

2007-01-25T05:47:00.000-08:00

When i was a lad i worked in the local butchers shop. I started the day after my 15th birthday and worked there till i went to university at 19. By which time i was a big strong lad.

Anyway, my boss was dead tight and as hard as nails. Absolutely tough as old boots. Great bloke.

When he was a lad he worked for a butcher who was as tight as a gnats chuff and hard as nails as well. And miserable. I shall not say anymore about this guy. I imagine he is in the ground by now but don't know for sure. Any road up. My boss'e boss was in the army in WWII. HRE was in italy and was in some form of tank fitted with a gun and a flame thrower. Said vehicle was goiung up a road on a recconosaince job. It was tootling along when it came under small arms fire from a house. They turned the turret round and popped a high explosive shell into this house and theres lots of smoke and debris. As the dust settles there are three or four italians soldiers wobbling about in the debris with assorted injuries that tend to come with having been inside a house that has just been blown up.

Needless to say, they didn't have much fight in them and were doing their best to surrender. Unfortunately for them, our hero and his mates in the tank weren't right keen on the idea of having to cart a bunch of injured eyeties back to their lines especially when they had been shooting at them, and they still had a job to do.

So, rather than mucking up the rest of the day they decided the best thing they could do was to dispose of the problem by introducing them to the business end of mister flame thrower. Once done they tootled off on their way!

the shocking lies of ROBERT KILROY SILK.

2007-01-22T03:59:00.000-08:00

This is the letter that dirty liar robert kilroy silk wrote to the police after i squirted him with water.

"ROBERT KILROY-SILK M.E.P. European Parliament Member for the East Midlands RegionDerbyshire, Nottinghamshire, Leicestershire, Northamptonshire, Lincolnshire and RutlandMonday 18 April 2005Mr David Coleman,Derbyshire Constabulary,Force Headquarters,Butterley HallRIPLEYDerbyshireDE5 3RSDear Mr Colemanre: Caution for premeditated assault with a bottleAs you are probably aware, I was assaulted outside Asda in Long Eaton in my constituency on Saturday by a man who smashed a bottle of water against the side of my head as I was being interviewed. The assailant ran away shouting at me, but he was pursued for several hundred yards by my colleague, the Veritas Party candidate for Amber Valley, Alex Stevenson, at great risk to the safety of his own person.The thug had previously used foul and obscene language towards me in the foyer of Asda.I was informed by the arresting officer late on Saturday evening that it was in the custody officer’s mind merely to caution the offender, because it was his first offence, he had admitted the offence and he said that he was remorseful.I do not approve of this lenient approach to yobbish, anti-social and criminal behaviour. I and my Party VERITAS believe in zero tolerance of such offences. That is the only way to restore decent standards of behaviour in public places.This was a deliberate, premeditated and cowardly attack by an adult man who should have known better. He could have caused serious injury. He should suffer the lawful consequences of his actions.The approach of your force seems to suggest that you are more concerned about the welfare of the offender than the interests of the victim. No wonder so many people have lost faith in the criminal justice system.What, indeed, is the point of the VERITAS candidate for Amber Valley putting himself in danger - and the police arresting, detaining and interviewing the offender, and me spending time giving a statement, and hours of police and witness time being expended, if all the police then do is to give the criminal a pat on the shoulder and send him on his way?So far as he and those like him are concerned he ‘got away’ with a caution. This is not a good example to set. It suggests that the Derbyshire Police force doses not take violent assaults seriously.If you do not take violent assaults seriously, can you tell me which crimes you do consider to warrant prosecution?You can be assured that if I am elected as the MP for Erewash, I will put pressure on yourself and the Home Secretary to ensure there will be zero tolerance of crime in Erewash - and that I will not be prepared to accept offender-oriented policing. Yours sincerelyRobert Kilroy-Silk M.E.P.Dictated by Mr Kilroy-Silk and signed in his absence."

Let me make myself very clear on this point. Kilroy is a liar and a big orange cunt. Kilroy wants to lock up every child who has ever used a water pistol.

The bumfun blowback incident.

2007-01-17T10:47:00.000-08:00

Would anyone like to hear this story?

Yet another police incident

2007-01-17T07:42:00.000-08:00

That resulted in me nearly getting arrested at the weekend.

I was with the family in the car in a supermarket carpark. I was turning left and stuck in a queue of traffic. A car came up to me a the guy beeped his little tooter and said some rude words. There wasn't anywhere to go so i gave him the dissaproving look i norally save for my 5 year old and then casually flicked him the vees.

This had an instant and noticable effect on the impatient so and so. He was a bit weasel looking and he went all sort of cross and angry.

Pleased with the response i drove away. slowly. Whilst flicking the vees again.

his knuckles went all white on the steering wheel and he followed me getting angrier and angrier all the time. I left the car pak and the guy followed me. I turned left at a roundabout and and he followed me.

I went up to anoth roundabout and he pulled alongside He was looking really angry. seething he was! Naturally i flicked him the vees.

It was at this point that the chap went absolutely crackers!

As i pulled onto the roundabout he put his foot down and tried to ram me off the road!

There was a sqeal of brakes and a roar of his engine as he tried to edge me off the roundabout. I made my exit though but unfortunately hit a red light! he swerved to miss me and mounted the kerb. Then he jumped out and opened my door and started scouting rude words like cunt and twat at me in front of my kids. HE stood holding my door open and refused to let go so i could not drive off. I got out the car and he backed up shouting at me to hit him so that he could have me for assault. He repeated this over and over. I went over to his car and opened his door which seemed to make him even more angry. His wife came and shoved me away! I told her to go away and went back to my car as he had now got more concerned i might do something to his car.

All this time he was shouting "Go on! hit me!"

his mrs, bless her was trying to calm things down and i went back to my car but got pinned against the door by the pair of them. She was pleading for sanity and he was swearing away. My kids were terrified. At last i decided i had had enough of the silly prick.

Very carefully i reached up, picked his spectacles off and threw them away.

"THATS ASSAULT!"

he bawled triumphantly! And then he started phoning the police to report the terrible crime i had committed about him. I jumped in the car and went to the local cop shop to get things straightened out.

Needless to say. nothing happened. However, if i hadn't called the cops, i could well have been arrested on account of the bullshit the pillock with no specs was giving them. What a grade A twat!

How it came to be that my big little brother became the famous super hero "Captain Kellog" (Also known as the self ceaning bottom method)

2006-11-15T03:39:00.000-08:00

when my bro was 17-18 he and his drinking buddies would congregate at someones house when parents were away. On this occasion he stopped over at the guy with small ringpiece problem. I think i called him Keith.

Anyway, all lashed up everone crashes i keiths room. He had a double bed and there were three or four blokes in their.

In the morning there is a dreadful farty smell and everyone gets up. At somepoint my bro starts to piece things together and just as he is wondering how his midnight trip to the lavatory turned out he reaches down his pants to scratch his arse. It is at this point that he discovers that between his underpants and his bottom are a large selection of corflakes that have smeared all over the place during the night and then baked off to become quite firm.

Needless to say, he made sure he was the last person to get up.

And that dear reader is how my big bro became captain kellogg.

The Horrible story.

2006-11-13T10:55:00.000-08:00

It goes like this.......

Many years ago, back in Sheffield, my big little brother was a chippie. He worked for the council and he had a work mate went by the name of Dave. Dave was a lovely lad. He had the cheekiest smile of anyone ever and a sense of humour to match it. He eventually got the boot cos him and my brother were ridning round sheffield and david was riding shotgun. Well not really shotgun, more like peashooter to be honest. Someone who was the victim of his reckless peashooetering got the van number plate and complained to the council resulting in his dismissal. I am amazed they didn't get it in the neck sooner actually. I was doing my A-levels at the time and i would be ina nd out of the hose splitting my time between the butchers where i worked and at college. My big little brother and Dave would often be at my mam and dads during worktime The works van would be parked outside and they would be inside doing a bit of "urban reconoissance", which usually involved having a nice cup of tea and a biscuit and watching videos.

Anyway. Dave told me this story.

Once upon a time, David went to school with a lad who was not too popular. It was his birthday and this lad and his "mates" got horribly lashed in town and eneded up walking home up the East Bank Road, which, if you are from sheffield, you may have fond memories of.

This lad is in a right old state and tries to go for a pee. He gets in a bit of a tangle and his trousers fall down, which was the curse of the button fly. So the poor lad starts running to catch his mates up but his trollies fall round his ankles and he takes a bit of a tumble. The poor lad is left grovelling on the floor with his arse stuck up.

From the injuries he had sustained the hospital were able to piece together the following:

(1) At somepoint, someone was nice enough to use the poor lads ring piece to put his cigarette out.

(2) At another point followinfg the cigarette injury an empty vodka and been inserted eck first up the poor chaps rectum.

(3) Presumably because the bottle would not stay in place, someone had been kind enough to give it a jolly good kick.

Ooooof! thats not the sort of thing you shrug off is it?

Anyway. The next day the wee feller wakes up in hospital in agony and having undergone anal surgery. "WHERE THE FUCKIN ELL AM AH?!!" he screams. Fortunately, his mum and dad were sat next to the bed and were able to provide him with the information.

horrible.

Its been a week or two.

2006-10-26T11:09:00.000-07:00

its all gone a bit quiet round here cos my uncle died. He was a chippie and groundcrew on mossies out in the far east in the war. I will miss him. Anyway, after the funeral i will post some more filth. Until then here is a story about my uncle which is only small but i reckon it is dead funny.

My uncle was going through india towards the end of the war and he was on a train with loads of other squaddies. They pulled into a station and of course were mobbed by loads of locals plying their trades. One woman has a baby with her at the tit, and some nobhead squaddie gives her a load of racist abuse. Quick as a flash the old girl pops her tit out and squirts the gobshite over his shirt with mommas finest! That shut him up! And of course, in the indian heat he soon developed a interesting aroma of sour milk!

I like that.

Table manners!¬

2006-10-13T06:23:00.000-07:00

Here is a tale inspired by ppg on the R5 boards.

My tale today conerns a young gentleman who used to be a post doctoral researcher at a leading university. We shall call him "Jim" to protect him.

When i started work here I shared an office with jim. He was very tall, taller than me (I am 6 2 in my socks) and a lovely chap. Very kind and considerate. I had just turned 27. I had recently come off the pills and whizz following a nasty breakup and i was runni9ng a fair bit. I was looking pretty good to be honest. I even got told i had a nice bottom once or twice. But blokes are always saying that aren't they?

Anyway, I digress.

Young jim used to have a reasonably frequent visitor in the shape of a reasonably attractive girl in a suit who used to sit at hius desk with him and the two used to work on his computer. You could tell they were obviously very well aquainted but there was always a bit of tension in there. Sometimes the girl, "kate" would come in and work on the computer when jim wasn't there. On these occasions she would make it pretty obvious that she was available for conversation. Bit of a minx she was.

Turns out she was finishing her thesis, so eventually her visits ceased. And i breathed a sigh of relief.

Anyway, it turns out that kate and jim were an ex item, hence the friction, and that there was a bit of the old on and off about their time together. This being a lot to do with her pants as what kept falling down and stuff. When other blokes was nearby.

During an off time kate tries to win back her man, Jim. She invites him round for an extra special dinner where she plans to serve something up to win him back for good!

Unfortunately, their is a slight mixup, and Jim thinks that he and another couple have been invited round for dinner. The other couple are both scientists from Hong Kong and a very nice couple indeed. Very refined. And it is with this couple that Jim goes round to Kates.

Imagine their surprise therefore, when they turn up for a dinner at Kates place. Jim opens the door and enters and they all march into the dining room where they find what Kate has prepared for them. Except that Kate has served herself up for Jim, on the dining room table in some rather attractive and revealing undergarments!

Good Lord!

Fish supper anyone?

How it came to be that you should never tell your secrets to my big brother.

2006-10-06T08:18:00.000-07:00

When my brother was at school he was mates with a lad in his class who shall be given the pseudonym of Keith. Keith was a lovely lad, one of the brightest in his year. Dead funny like, and dead nice. He was very creative, and for that matter still is and i beleive he works in TV now. He also hads loads of kids and a lovely mrs too does #Keith and good luck to him i say!

Now, if Keith had a flaw it was that he was a bit tightly wound. Some might say a tad anal. But that would be harsh. You know what i mean. Anyway, he was a drinking buddy of my big brother and as young blokes would be out every weekend for ales and curry and such.

One day, Keith is dead quiet in the pub like. And my boig bro who is a bit of a silver tongued devil asks him whats up like and it turns out that poor old keith is due to go into hospital. For a procedure no less!

Our kid is all ears and gets keith to confide in him concerning his impending procedure.

It turns out that the poor lad had a nasty little lower back body effluent exit problem. The problem manifested itsself thus:

Keiths poor little nipsy was too tiny and wee to pass a normal stool as it had never properly grown since he was a wee boy. As a result of this difficulty, his lower back body bowels used to build up a rather large quantity of pressure till even his tiny doughnut couldn't hold it back anylonger. This used to occur about once a month apparantly and would be invevitably attended by a certain amount of tearing, and a good few hours on the lavvy.

OoooooooH ! Now lets be honest, you just clenched your bottom cheeks together as you read that didn't you?

Anyway, Keith told my brother about this and with great compassion my brother told every fucker in the whole wide world. And he joyed telling them too.

How it came to be that my dad is a hero. A not funny story.

2006-09-28T08:56:00.000-07:00

My mum and dad go camping a fair bit. They always have. I have been all over the country on walking holidays. When i became a teenager i hated it of course bu i came back to the wild desolation of the hills my father walked before me. Cool.

When I was doing my PhD I was plane old mister scum, and my mam and dad went camping at clumber park. Some months before, getting on a year or so i think, there had been the most appalling sexual assault on a young girl in the toilets at the camp site. The poor girl nearly bled to death I was told. Anyway, for months after that, all the women and kids in the neighbourhood were chaperoned by male relatives and work mates. (we'll come back to this bit). It was similar when i was a kid and the ripper was busy.

After some months the cops nicked some lorry driver for it who was remanded in custody and i understand he had a very nasty time of it in chokey. And you may think this is no bad thing eh?

About a yearish after the original attack, my mam and dad were on holiday. They went to take the dogs for a walk one evening and there were people running about on the campsite shouting a male name. It turned out a young boy of nineish had gone missing. My mum and dad joined in the search. They walked offdown a road in the park and found a car that had driven off the road and there was a young bloke in it revving it trying to make it go some. They stopped to see what was going on and the young bloke was clearly in shock. My dad looked under the car and saw that the car had gone over a substatial fence post that had ripped out the drive shaft (or something fatal for the car anyway). My old man told the bloke to come back to the campsite and get sorted out, and he agreed. He got out the car and my parents saw he was wearing dungarees, open to the waist and with blood on them. They assumed he was bleeding but they couldn't seewhere from.

As my mam and dad were talking to this chap, the dogs went off in the trees and started barking at something. Good dogs. My mum went to investigate and found a young boy hiding in the undergrowth. He was obviously terrified and not in a good way. She picked him up in her arms and carried him back to the road.

They set off back to the campsite and my dad made the bloke walk in front of them so he could keep an eye on him. Mam carried the distraught boy and talked to him, finding out that the guy had kidnapped him and while trying to get away the boy had caused the car to crash. Brave. My mam put it all together and was flaring up, but my dad kept everything calm enough till they got back to the camp and could get the police in.

When the got back it took four blokes to keep the father off the bastard who raped his son.

Eventually, the lorry driver was released.

The young bloke went away for ever.

Turns out he had been working at a hotel / restaurant nearby and was one of the designated chaperones during the months after the first attack.

How it came to be i got shot

2006-09-27T02:58:00.000-07:00

When i was about 9 years old my brother and i went out to play one monday night late in the summer holidays. My brother must have been eleven. There is a park behind my mum and dads place but back in 1979 it was the school fields. They were pretty big with two football pitches a cricket pitch and loads of trees and rough ground. Top quality playground. We met an older lad of about 15 who lived at the end of our road. He had his air rifle with him, a .22 sometrhing or other. My brother asked if he could have a go with it and the kid let him. ~My brother shot a tree, reloaded and immediately took a sight on me. Initially i ran. But then., realising that i probably couldn't outrun a bullet i turned and charged him with the intention of punching his teeth out of his arsehole. The redmist descended. At about ten paces he fired and i felt a punch in the stomach. I looked down and saw a tiny hole in my green hoody top. I lifted it up and saw that i had another hole in my brown terry tee shirt. I lifted that up to reveal a perfectly circular hole in my stomach about three inches from my navel. A trickle of dark red blood was beading down my stomach into my underpants. I was scared. I stumbled home in a daze clutching my tee shirt to my chest watching my pants and trousers get stickier with blood.

Between the shooting and getting home we cooked up some story about being shot by some stranger so that my brother would not get in trouble. When we got home i got done off my mum and dad cos they were supposed to be having a night out and didn't fancy the night in the hospital. Naturally enough the police were called and a huge search went on. IT was in the papers and everything. Afer three days i admitted that we made it up, and from then on i was kindly picked out by the parents of other kids at school as a liar. Little kids would come up to me with newspaper cuttings their mothers had kept and say, "my mum says you're a liar".

And of course. They were right weren't they?

My brother hated me cos i grassed him up. God! he really hated me.

BOLLOCKS

2006-09-25T10:24:00.000-07:00

You heard. I am depressed. Quite cheesed off really. On saturday i got a letter off the andrology department telling me that they did not want my love batter donations. I am sad. The reason given was that i have donated previously.

I am assuming that i have fulfilled my quota of successful pregnancies from my previous emissions. So they won't have any more from me. The thing is, I can't quite remember the quota. I need to ring up and find out. I am currently working on the vague recollection that the quota is set at TEN.

TEN

10

10 kids. Blimey!

Christ on the proverbial bike! All horrible like me. Poor little buggers.

How it came to be that my freindship with Matt the moose sort of drifted apart

2006-09-20T08:45:00.000-07:00

When i was doing my A levels i made some freinds. One of whom is my mate Dave with the big chopper. My other mate horse i knew from school. I made a freind called matt at college where i did my a levels. The school i went to was shite and shut after i left. One of my teachers tried to get me to stay on in the sixth form at the rival school. Thornbridge comprehensive. No fucking thankyou! I went to richmond college and it was ace.

Really good teachers there. I digress.....

There was this guy called matt and his mum was the librarian. Quiet types those librarians.

Matt came to a bit of a lash up at my mum and dads house and my brother put some pornographic videos on. They weren't very nice. Anyway. My mate horse needed a piss so he was waiting while matt came back cos matt was upstairs. He waited and waited. Eventually he went upstairs to find the lavatory empty and the light off. There was a light on in my mum and dads room though. So horse knocks on the door and says "matt? are you there?" which is followed by frantic scrabbling and hiding type noises. So Horse decides to investigate further and shoves his head round the dooor. Hiding behind the bed he sees young matt. He can see that he is on his knees and crouching down. He can see that he is almost naked too. Almost.

The only item he is wearing is a pair of red silk split crotch panties that belonged to my mummy.

"What are you doingt matt?" asks the horse.

"Being a moose" came rthe reply.

"I think you had better get dressed and come down stairs" sys horse.

"yes" says matt.

The horse then duly reported his findings to me and much merriment ensued. And i have never told anyone about it ever. Honest.

SPERM DONATION

2006-09-18T05:28:00.000-07:00

Should i or shouldn't i? I am tempted to start donating my white wee wee to medical science again. I used to make regular deposits when i was a student but haven't done so forabout 13 years. There does seem to be a shortage of splanky sauce at the moment and the hospital over the road from me is desperately short apparanly.

I started to phone them earlier but i shat my pants and bottled out without saying anything. I have asked mrs scum help when i phone up and she backs me. She even says whe will give us a hand like.

The only problem is i won't be allowed to jisulate for 2-3 days before a donation. Not sure i can leave my little sausage alone for that long.

Also, I am thinking of putting my name to my earlier efforts. I can't really bear the thought of some poor kid wanting to know who supplied half their DNA and not being able to find me. Mind you, They'll be dissappointed won't they? I have no fear of them wanting cash of me as there isn't any. I have dragged myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I love my whippet

2006-09-15T08:41:00.000-07:00

I am a tyke so i love my whippet, Mr Oofy. This is me and him puckering up for a bit of interspecial french action:

and this is me and he going for it!

Kinder Scout

2006-09-14T07:04:00.000-07:00

Glory to God.
top of grindsbrook. Start of cicuit after getting my sciatica under control. Grey wet miserable. Uytterly glorious.

And this is me later coming up on the mad womans stones after sweating too much and dehydrating resulting in a truly stunning head ache.

Amphibious love.

2006-09-13T03:19:00.000-07:00

I thought i would put some pictures up of amphibian sex. If it gets a good reponse i will put some more up. After all, whatcould be more wonderful than lots of frogs and toads going at it furiously releasing their genetic packages near to one another? What could be more thrilling than the non penetrative love of toads?

Look at the little buggers going at it just there! Ooooooooh! it make me come over all jolly batey!

How it came to be that i started tasting pies

2006-09-12T03:24:00.000-07:00

I love food right? Pies are great. Food is a great pleasure. Cooking a meal for the mrs in a flotd wino stylee is such a joy. I used to run a lot and was about 13.5 stone. About four years ago I ripped a large part of a tendon off my pelvis. The big one thats right in your groin next to your bollocks. Well, my bollocks obviously. Stopped running. Got fat. Started running after a year, got sciatica. Still got it. Last xmas i could walk five miles but suffered badly for it. In april i ran the sheffield 10K. It hurt.

Thats me at the back at the start. Note firemen in full gear gwho just overtook me. I am with my mate Horse.

Man or Troll. You decide.

The aftermath of that incident with kilroy.

2006-09-11T05:34:00.000-07:00

You remember! The one where i squirted water at Kilroy and he LIED to the police and said that I had "smashed him over the head with a bottle".

Thats me in the back of the car laughing at the veritas goons. I'd have gotten away with it too if it hadn't been for those meddling geriatric fascists!

Look! It me and my daughter!

2006-09-11T04:32:00.000-07:00

Thats me on the left. Heading up to Hollins cross with my eldest. We went up onto Mam Tor and it was fantastically windy. Ell lost her hat and it was last seen tumbling towards the landslip. I did not give chase as i was too scared. Ell cried a lot.

and at hollins cross. Hollins cross is the old funeral route between edale and castleton. Years ago there was no church in edale so you had to get buried in castleton. or so my dad tells me.

How it Came to be that i did spy The Beast of Bodmin part 3

2006-09-11T02:43:00.000-07:00

The wind howled in from the sea and over the moors bringing torrents of abusive rain to dampen my already moistened spirits. I was alone on Bodmin moor. Just me and dogs, mr Poo and Oofy. After that i went home dead miserable like.

That night, i was in bed with the wifes sister, and sleep would not take me. I stood up and looked out the window at he storm that raged. Lighteneing flashed, thunder thundered and rain rained. The clouds raced over head as if driven by some great demon lashing it ever owards with a great whip of lighteneing but really it was just the wind that was coming in off the sea. I looked out at the moor and the tumultuous events in the sky and i thought to myself; "What is it all about like? What does it all mean?"

And then i realised "Its got bugger all to do with me!" And i went back to bed.

How it Came to be that i did spy The Beast of Bodmin part 2

2006-09-08T04:31:00.000-07:00

We were there in our secluded cottage for a whole week on the edge of that damned moor. A week that I for one can never forget as it left its mark on my soul as if the prevaling precipitation had dribbled down the back of my shirt to the top of the crack in my arse before dribbling down said fetid canyon to create an ill feeling of moistness that seemed to mirror the mood of muyself my new wife and our daughter all cast hideously adrift and alone on the moor. Even the dog, mr poo was feeling out of sorts and wasn't so keen on getting the old lipstick out in front of the fire as is usually his want. And the dampness did pervade mr poo as well and he is well known for being a stranger to the bath and he did indeed begin to smell like a wet dog all lilke a subtle blend of urine, jism and sweat. I love mr poo i do. He is great.

By the end of the week we had just about had enough of the fucking weather and we were due to go home. It was saturday night and it was raining. I was largely miserable and slightly drunk. Nothoing could bring a smile to my countenance. I was despondant. I decided to take the dogs for a walk. In the rain. At night. On to that desolate blasted heath. Alone. but with the dogs like.

to be continued..........

How it Came to be that i did spy The Beast of Bodmin

2006-09-07T04:56:00.000-07:00

Come with me dear reader on a journey into the darkest recesses of my mind and i wil tell thee a spine tingling tale of horror and excitement which involves the time I saw the biggest fuck off black cat i ever did see ever. Its true too.

Come with me now, take my trembling hand as i guide you through this tale of minor interest and vaguary. Is that a bead of sweat that just ran down your neck? Or is it something else? Is it from someone else? Dare you taste it to see?

I digress.........

It was back in 2003. It was October and my new wife and i partook of our honeymoon in a nice little cottage on the very edge of that blighted ruinous land they call by the name of Bodmin. Aye! tis a name of ill omen and dark black tales are told of its weird and fey nature.

We were alone and isolated. Though the landlady did live across the road with some chickens and some other farmery shite that looked pretty dangerous. It rained continually every day and every night. We were alone and marooned on the blasted desolate moors of Bodmin, with only our recently legitimised daughter for company. Mind you, once a bastard always a bastard as my mother says......................

(to be continued)

2006-09-06T09:54:00.000-07:00

my very first vaccuous entry. Oh good. I am Doctor Scum and this is my blog. I would like to welcome all and sundry to my random jottings. Especially the sundry.

I would like to use this place to tell you all about the horrible things i like to do and at some point i will give a full listing of the public transport based game "Mister Touch".

I imagine i will not be going into my wifes sisters arse too much on here. Firm and round though it may be.

Ultimately i will have to put a section on about large black cats of course. On Bodmin Moor.