How it came to be that you should never tell your secrets to my big brother.
When my brother was at school he was mates with a lad in his class who shall be given the pseudonym of Keith. Keith was a lovely lad, one of the brightest in his year. Dead funny like, and dead nice. He was very creative, and for that matter still is and i beleive he works in TV now. He also hads loads of kids and a lovely mrs too does #Keith and good luck to him i say!
Now, if Keith had a flaw it was that he was a bit tightly wound. Some might say a tad anal. But that would be harsh. You know what i mean. Anyway, he was a drinking buddy of my big brother and as young blokes would be out every weekend for ales and curry and such.
One day, Keith is dead quiet in the pub like. And my boig bro who is a bit of a silver tongued devil asks him whats up like and it turns out that poor old keith is due to go into hospital. For a procedure no less!
Our kid is all ears and gets keith to confide in him concerning his impending procedure.
It turns out that the poor lad had a nasty little lower back body effluent exit problem. The problem manifested itsself thus:
Keiths poor little nipsy was too tiny and wee to pass a normal stool as it had never properly grown since he was a wee boy. As a result of this difficulty, his lower back body bowels used to build up a rather large quantity of pressure till even his tiny doughnut couldn't hold it back anylonger. This used to occur about once a month apparantly and would be invevitably attended by a certain amount of tearing, and a good few hours on the lavvy.
OoooooooH ! Now lets be honest, you just clenched your bottom cheeks together as you read that didn't you?
Anyway, Keith told my brother about this and with great compassion my brother told every fucker in the whole wide world. And he joyed telling them too.
Now, if Keith had a flaw it was that he was a bit tightly wound. Some might say a tad anal. But that would be harsh. You know what i mean. Anyway, he was a drinking buddy of my big brother and as young blokes would be out every weekend for ales and curry and such.
One day, Keith is dead quiet in the pub like. And my boig bro who is a bit of a silver tongued devil asks him whats up like and it turns out that poor old keith is due to go into hospital. For a procedure no less!
Our kid is all ears and gets keith to confide in him concerning his impending procedure.
It turns out that the poor lad had a nasty little lower back body effluent exit problem. The problem manifested itsself thus:
Keiths poor little nipsy was too tiny and wee to pass a normal stool as it had never properly grown since he was a wee boy. As a result of this difficulty, his lower back body bowels used to build up a rather large quantity of pressure till even his tiny doughnut couldn't hold it back anylonger. This used to occur about once a month apparantly and would be invevitably attended by a certain amount of tearing, and a good few hours on the lavvy.
OoooooooH ! Now lets be honest, you just clenched your bottom cheeks together as you read that didn't you?
Anyway, Keith told my brother about this and with great compassion my brother told every fucker in the whole wide world. And he joyed telling them too.
posted by Doktor Skum at 8:18 AM
17 Comments:
What happened? Did the "procedure" work?
apparantly the procedure involved making a series of cuts into the muscle of the rigpiece and then packing said browneye with cottonwool and stuff to hold the cuts open until they scarred over. One can only imagine what the result looks like.
More your chocolate starfish than your rusty bllet hole i should think.
Further, one can only speculate that said procedure allows one to produce poos that look a lot like starfruit.
Mindyou, At least he got the pleasure of the nurse coming round and stuffing a fresh dressing up his arse every couple of days. It is amazing the service you get on the NHS i reckon. He said she was dead fit n all like.
Your reply to Shy has made me feel worse than the original post - you certainly have a way with words!
Just as well he's not gay. That'd really smart.
i'm afraid i have a confession concerning keiths ex girlfriend......
She was exceptionally large of chesticle. Would you like to know more?.............
but of course we want to know more.
One day I should tell the tale of my best mate at uni and his girlfriend. But I;d beter not in case he's reading this.
Blimey.
When iwas about 16-17 there was a party round at "Keiths" house. It was funny. Unfortunately, keith had split up with his girlfreind a few months prior. Naturally enough things were a little emotionally charged.
I wasn't bothered about any of that though. Certainly when said ex girlfreind gave me a seriouds come on. Well, who was i to argue? Afterall they were magnificently big wally jumblatties and i was literally bursting with fresh young boy sauce to spray all over some poor young girl! Being the perfect gentlman that i am i even asked keith if he didn't mind if i nipped off for a "chat" with his es. He said he did not mind at all so I managed to blag a blob off of someone. It might have been my brother? Not sure.....
Anyway, I digress. Armed with rubber and a raging hard on I took her up stairs to keiths mums roome where i went at it like a pig at a tattie! Top class! On the pile of everybodies coats. Sauce and stuff all over!
Anyway, there i was going at it like only a young wee lad can and in a way that mrs scum can probably only dream of, when the poor girl has a very sudden crisis of concience! Imagine my surprise as i was given orders to abandon ship! And i was just brimming up to the vinegar strokes too!
The poor girl! she was so sad! tears and wailing and nashing of teeth! We both got dressed and left. She didn't really want to talk to me after that, and she was terribly upset. So, I went and got a beer and washed my face so that people wouldn't notice my new bad breath problem.
Anyway, word got round because the girls sought comfort and a freindly shoulder to cry on from one of keith and my brothers mates. We will call the guy "Bill". And when keith found out he was very angry and upset with me and there was a long conversation that ended reasonably amicablly with me and Keith going for a walk.
OF course, when we got back, we found that events had progressed. Yes! thats right! In our absence the poor girl had thrown herself into the arms of Bill, who had used the rubber that i didn't to bang the wee lass all over the coats!
And good lord! Do you know what? He even went ton to marry the girl and breed! Lordy!
I kept my head down but i suspect everyone blaimed me to be honest.
Um. Where did Bill come into it?
bill was kind enough to provide a shoulder for thre poor girl to cry on. She swiftly recovered from her earlier bout of conscience though and shagged bill on keiths mum's bed.
Lovely girl.
Doktor Scum, you are a one man "News of the World" with all these stories of intrigue and depravity! :-)
Anyway, I mustn't criticise others. Your account of the procedure made me think of "Play Doh" and those different fittings you could get to extrude different shapes. If I remember correctly there was one that produced a star shaped thingy.
i only tell true stories though! Which reminds me, i must finish my beast of bodmin saga.....
I will now be taking my daughters play doh off her.
"So mummy - how did you and Daddy meet"
everyone had stains on there coats.
One guy got drunk and repeatedly jumped from the upstairs window until it hurt.
Like the guy who wanted to commit suicide by jumping from the 12th floor - but he lived on the ground floor so he jumped out of his window twelve times!
Post a Comment
<< Home